Tuesday, June 20, 2006
i shall share about a pretty heart-breaking thing that happened last night.wanted to blog it last night, but i guess i was too emotional to do so..bitter, helpless angry, and probably wounded.

mum said some nasty things in the evening. real sarcastic and nasty..every word pierced through like the most cruel torture..it felt painful coz she's my beloved mum.what she said made me feel like im a lousy daughter,dont bother about family and studies,it made me feel that i was heartless.i kept quiet through out, still unsure if that was the best response.but God knows my heart, it wasnt a silent rebellion, perhaps just too hurt to speak.

its been going on for quite some time..i guess ever since she got a job and my grandma's health deteriorating.actions of care and love often come into my mind, yet i guess i've done too few of them, probably because i was scared..afraid of the responses and how they may be twisted into another meaning, which would most probably be heartlessness and hypocrisy.

if theres really a chair that when i sit on it, it will flash all those things that have went through my mind, i would want her to be the audience.i want her to know my heart...im bad with words and expressions,though that doesnt gimme the excuse to not show love to her.but i guess im a little tired. tired of trying to respond the best way i ever could,tired of trying to solve the issue by changing the way i am, tired of trying to hide my emotions from anyone.n this time i decided to let go.i allowed myself to talk to God in self-pity,i allowed myself to cry and cry in helplessness.

i felt so pressured, it felt as if every wrong move i make in the family would cause the whole family to take a step back from salvation,which is the last thing i wanna see.and everytime such things happen, im expected to change the way i do things,change the way i study,change the way i talk,change the way i respond..i wonder if anyone knows that many things are actually a result of the tone that she uses?or maybe im being too sensitive and emotional,self-pity and not understanding.shouldnt i be mature enough to know that thats just the way she is?

what i should do is not blame it on her way of communication, but to accept her and love her JUST THE WAY SHE IS.

but is not easy at all.

yes i do love her.God knows that full well.it hurts me more than ever to see her drained from stress and worries,to see her tear and to look at her trying to supprt the world with just her own two hands.everytime i see these, everytime im more convicted that she needs God, for no one can fill that insecurity in her.

okay enough of being emo and sad..becuase thats for ppl who do not know God.

i was glad that i went to the perfect source of comfort, assurance and strength. i was reminded that God loves me, and He will be with me.yes he carried me through.He reminded me that as much as my parents are not perfect,im most flawed too.and He loves everyone the same.it dawned upon me that i've been trying too hard to make things work with my own hands,the only way that i can be a daughter who shines is that im spirit-led.and the spirit would lead me to respond biblically,to control my emotions well, and fight those thoughts of self-pity.and i have the assurance that through it all,the holy spirit tenderly embraces me and heals me.and i know it crystal clear that though it seems like no one understands,Jesus understands.

i feel hopeful once more,yeah am lifted up.nothing is too big for our God, right?He promised to take care of my family and i know He is and he will.im not doing this alone, after all is not about how powerful am i,but about Him right?of course i wont shirk the responsibility then,i noe God will still do it through me, n it takes me to be obedient to the spirit and to have faith and......be still.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
-isaiah 40:28-31-

thankew God for such love that i often dont understand, such wisdom that puzzles me and such timely circumstances that make me speechless.all this but have reminded me once again that you are God and i am not.and im thankful, real thankful.

thank you thank you thank you.

i hardly know how to express.

:)

Soared at 6/20/2006 02:36:00 AM