Thursday, August 10, 2006
wanted to talk to God in my journal,but that finger quite painful,ugly handwritting, so maybe i shall do it here.=)
God,
many emotions, many thoughts.dont know where to start? God what do u think of me? what do u think about the way i live my life, the way i react, the way i talk? how do u think when i'm so busy leading my own life and at the end of it too tired to wait upon u in silence? how long have u been waiting for me to just pause and seek u and see if i'm heading the direction u want me to? my past few journal entries are so messy,my handwriting so ugly,i myself can barely read.do u get upset over this?i know u are not so petty.=)
just now i was flipping through my box that i keep all the encouragement cards,birthday cards n xmas cards..and some notes, people have such great things to say about me, as i read, i questioned,am i really like that?like what people said of me?i wanna tell them,im not so good like how they said,yet i also believe because of you in my life, im different.through out the years, you've moulded me so so much.
i read the notes the central ahmahs wrote to me as well,during our first camp together,things were more exciting then,i did my best to ensure a smooth transition,you guided me into many changes to make and created so much fun.
things in ca is a little different now.i feel that is a difficult time we have to go through together,i cant exactly pinpoint what's wrong,yet i know some things need to be settled before we really move on.honestly i feel really helpless, about certain people in the group, not that they are helpless! but i really dnt know what they need in order to find their way to you again?
when i think of them, my heart sinks a little,i know u are capable of changing their heart condition,yet i know u have ur own timing.i guess im not angry or anything?i just feel for them,when are they gonna find their way to you once again?please please tell me what to do..call me n i'll go.
God,mum's getting too much in her speech,theres a limit to how much we can take i guess?if you were me,how wll u react?how will you respond? i really want to be more like u,in the way i handle things.many times i want to just blow up and rebut,yet i always choose not to,cause i know that will make things even worse.lead me into divine exchange,less of me, more of you.
and God! thank you for the wonderful time with u just now!i sang so many songs,did u hear?u like my singing?haha.i really really love taking a break from the world and just indulge myself n world of my own,thats created by you,to feel once again that im precious and beautiful.
in my life,you've heard me say i love you
how do i, show u it's true
hear my heart,it longs for more of you
i've fallen deeply in love with you
you have stolen my heart,i'm captivated, by you
never will you , and i part
i've fallen deeply in love with you.
was writting in kelly's letter just now that i'll never give up serving you cause there are people like who make everything of her YOURS.yeah,its gonna be 5 years, since i came to know u,u are still faithful, and real.
God,help me to tell the difference between being big hearted and know how to take care of my own feelings.i realized that many times i try too hard to be nice and not narrow-minded that i tend to neglect my own feelings.i still want to be real,i still want to be myself,i know that you care about me the most.i dont wanna be a people-pleaser,but be genuine and be like you. am so far away from that but yay,with u, i know all will be well.
okay God! time to go to ikea with mum..excited!! oh but dont leave me k, go with me! dont forget our date tonight!
haha God, u are like my boyfriend.but oh well, u are more than that.
much more.
you are my world.
=)
Soared at 8/10/2006 04:45:00 PM
