Saturday, September 30, 2006
i was thinking the other day if my blog really is genuinely me.i mean whats the point of having a winnie's blog and i try to make things sound nicer than they actually are? haa so i decided to test my own security and post my latest entry from my personal journal with God.just this time.the rest are strictly only for gOD.=)
29th september 2006
God....i got scolded again.am really angry, by how she says everything.yah i may seem to not be putting enough effort in everything,but i am setting aside time to study!!!God, sometimes its really hurtful, that things are said without knowing whats exactly happening.you know my desire to do well in exams for you, not for my sake,but because of you. i wanna give my best.i dont want to believe that am really a lousy daughter.everytime i am told im not doing enough,i'm not good enough.i should change in this and that.it's really irritating to keep thinking im not good enough,i'm lousy,i feel like a disappointment to the family. but i know am not in your sight. no matter how much i fail, you'll always pick me up and help me go through.God i want to give myself time and space to grow, to learn and to change. i know i can be more consistent in my studies, and i'll learn to overcome this in my own pace.i cannot keep comparing,i am me, the way i learn, the way i grow is different from others. sometimes i really feel like shouting back and say ENOUGH!i'm tired of all the emotional blackmail,tired of all those black face and unpredictable mood. God, okay,enough of self-pity. i'll move on from here. what i can do now is just to do better for the coming papers.i hate to be misunderstood,i really hate to be.help me to put my confidence in you. okay God, enough. no more self-pity and bitterness yah? :) thank u. love,your child-winnie
and after complaining to Him, i decided to go to the honey for my soul.
psalm 131 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
psalm 73:21-2821 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. 27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
i dont know how to describe His reality in my life. if people say that God is non-existent, they are either arrogant or ignorant.please please taste for yourself and see that the Lord is good.
had shepherding with ziying yesterday,we just walk around orchard, up and down, from ps to far east and from there back to ps again, just to look for a hairclip.i feel real blessed meeting her up. talked about many many things, shared to her things i've never dared to share to anyone,and she always always make me feel so comfortable to just take my time to sort out my thoughts when i cant express properly.
she gave me new perspectives. she said i dont have to be what people say things should be. everyone has their own convictions, as long as they are biblical, i dont have to feel as if am wierd because am different.we discussed about how to relate to the opposite gender as well.i shared with her my views,my difficulties,my confusions and how to draw towards the balancing line and out of legalism and yet have my own convictions.
i believe strongly that the two absolute principles are accountability and above reproach.if you are having a friendship with the opposite gender but having a hard time trying not to let ur leaders know,or not willing to just account,does it mean theres something wrong?no one said that such friendships are wrong. i dont believe either.but what i learnt from daniel during meeting is the things we do are similar to non-believers, our lifestyle may be the same,people we relate with are the same, but whats different is our
motives.i was telling jiehui,many things i can hide from people around,and many things they may not see/know. but all things, i know it for myself,my desires, my motives my sins.and they can never hide from God either. am so thankful am accountable to God.
yah so for this issue, i've thought about it for myself, i will definitely continue to abide in the two absolute principles,and for myself,if am not comfortable with being too friendly/too open with them, i shall let it be.so what if i dont get as many guy friends?haha i'm secure enough. but on the other hand, i must be careful not to limit God's plan through me!whatever in the plan,i'm willing to work with Him to let them come to pass.
she pointed out something to me as well, as i shared about my life,she said that i always feel that am responsible for many things.its really true,many time when things go wrong,i feel that i could have done more or could have been better.i carry so many responsibilities on my shoulder that im expecting from myself more than what God expects me to be.i've over-estimated myself.i must know up there in my mind and down here in my heart that it's okay to make mistakes,just learn from them and move on, and that i've got to be merciful to myself.
haa i feel as if am shepherding myself as i blog,it always feels better after each entry,because i know im understanding more things with my heart and not just my mind.
the art of self-leadership.
am sleepy already.gotta wake up early tmr,to study and for meeting.
the song i sang last night during the wrestle with God:
the greatest thing in all my life,is knowing you
the grestest thing in all my life,is knowing you
i want to know you more, i want to know you more,
the greatest thing in all my life is knowing you.
the greatest thing in all my life,is loving you
the grestest thing in all my life,is loving you
i want to love you more, i want to love you more,
the greatest thing in all my life is loving you.
the greatest thing in all my life,is serving you
the grestest thing in all my life,is serving you
i want to serve you more, i want to serve you more,
the greatest thing in all my life is serve you.the greatest thing in my life.
you.
Soared at 9/30/2006 11:52:00 PM
