Tuesday, September 12, 2006
haha hello winnui's friends!!! i nearly got heart attack from the surprise!!!! hee
was thinking i should blog tonight but when im here, i've no idea what to talk about. went to kap to meet mel today..during my break, and i made a new friend! her name is weiling i think. had a good time just talking and getting updated about st margs!! how i miss the polka-dots..although its voted the most uncool uniform, dotty i still love you=)
seili told me something today, and i got to know myself even more. she said she didnt like me when she saw me the first day of school.she said i looked arrogant and too confident, and as if my eyes cannot see anyone. haha i was totally amazed at how different my outward appearacne/image can be so different from who i really was inside.
to be honest, when she met me, i was insecure and unconfident then. i didnt land my eyes on anyone more than a second, cause i was afraid of eye-contact with people. i wanst confident of my qualities and just me, winnie as a person. so i chose to put a protective shield over myself, to guard my heart, and shield myself against the world. i was cold and unfriendly, i was afraid to reveal my natural self.
and theres another reason behind it. knowing myself, being so easily tempted, fall so easily and imagination tend to run too wild, i was afraid that something would catch my eye and divert my attention. i didnt allow any boys to go any deeper than the surface, cause i didnt want to create unnecessary emotional dependence. im not sure of the reason behind such legalism, i just dont like to feel as if am flirting. sometimes my heart secretly desire for certain needs to be met, but whenever such thoughts come, i dont feel good.
and along the way, God showed me i've been living in a big big lie.
i'm wonderfully made,my value doesnt lie on whether people think am pretty or attractive.i have these traits for a reason. God hurts everytime i compare myself with some other fellow ambassadors, who are better salt and light than i am. legalism is not the way to draw towards being balanced, surrendering to God is. i was trying too hard to keep my heart pure by my mere human effort. yes i do still believe that i got to make decisions, and choose to be pure, to not just give my bare minimum or try to push the boundary in order to remain pure.
purity is a direction.
jamie made so much sense, having too many rules turns people off. and i shall trust God's judgement of my maturity enough to really make the prayer "what can you do through me?"
i feel total freedom now as i surrendered to God, every single person who walk ino my life, every minute that i have, everything entrusted onto me. i wanna use them for His glory. and yes, i still fail and i will fail, but His grace is sufficient for me.
the talk with ting the other day was great, fulfilling and encouraging.poured out my heart and realize we are really alike. the way we think, the way we feel and the things we struggle in. everytime i think of her, am so amazed at how God works. i knew her ever since the day i transferred into st margs, p3 that time, when i walked into the wrong classroom and ended up in her class. haha subsequently, we joined the same netball team, went home together, and somehow ended up in the same church and the same group.
always missed those times that i feel bored and just pop by her house anytime and hopefully she'll have some leftover digestive biscuit to offer me when im hungry.missed the times that we ah mah together and check out the most cheapskate deal in town..and being ugly and embarrasing with all the twisting of bag and hooking of plastic bag on our arms, and just being so ahmah.haha. it wasnt easy along the way, there were unhappiness and disagreements, but now as we look back, i cant help but just laugh at our own foolishness and childishness.
never thought it will turn out this beautiful.
and ting, i know you always secretly read my blog even though u dont tag!! haha i donnoe what to say to you, but i cant wait to go to heaven and sit at the carl's junior up there(hopefully God will open up one for us) then we can talk non-stop and keep refilling our drink! thank God for you life, thank you for cling on to Him and never gave up no matter how difficult things were. so sorry we can only meet this frequent, but i know that as long as we cling on to HIm, our hearts will stay together no matter how far apart we are physically.
jiayou!
the ah nie pose!
graduating together......
zhang da le....
our friendship's the 9th year already. lets have a 10th anniversary using our long zhong program. haha
its pretty late..n i needa do gp..oh no!
Soared at 9/12/2006 11:50:00 PM
