Sunday, December 10, 2006
the message..
has finally came in its full form..
maybe there are bits of them that i've not seen
but He has revealed to me,
whats i hold on to dearly and what i should let go..

the message was simple.
i'm deeply loved.
something i thought i understood eversince the day i came
yet it took me so long to finally surrender and humbly receive that love.

the night that both shiyou and angelina suddenly felt so strongly burdened for me,
was the night that i secretly made false assumptions.
i was writting down what i thought was true.
i told myself that after 18 years,
because of my personality and how i behave,
i'm not a person that people would take special notice or concern.
especially among my relatives, my jie and mei mei are usually the more remembered ones.
and i was thinking that i can let go of relationships easily.
i can do without them, i will be okay alone
i may be happier alone.

because of such assumptions i've made,
i was so stingy with my relationship with people around me.
school friends, my caregroup, family.
i put in so little, i reserved so much.
i was afraid that the way i love would not be accepted.
many times i thought of showing love, and i held back.
i was afraid im not good enough to provide love, comfort and encouragement.

when i told daniel about it,
he told me it might be because of what i experienced with cathy and viola.
the two who served closely with me
encouraged me along
taught me great things
yet,left God.

i didnt think of that at all..
i thought, yeah, maybe thats the reason.

but after what my mum said last night,
i realized, the wound came from my beloved family.

i'm the middle child in the family.
i have a capable sister above me
she studies well,
she does things well
she relates well
or rather, she does many things better than me.

i'm constantly being compared with.
though just subtly
i'm constantly being put down by hearing things like
"i dont have to worry about her,i know she can handle it well"
"i see the way she studies, and i know she worths my care and love"
"you look at her, she stays at home all the time during exam period and she scores well, i dont know why must you keep studying outside."
"what rubbish is your study timetable, waste time! she doesnt need those and she can do well."

those things she said last night totally shocked me..
after so many years
she views me as a trouble maker
as a cold blooded daughter who cares nothing excepts helping people.
oh that sounds exaggerated...haha

that was when i felt that the way i love wasnt being accepted.
the way that i do things are being understood the wrong way
and it wasnt just last night..
it has been like this since donkey years ago..

but oh well, even with such wounds..
God showed me so much through many people,
many incidents..
too long to say,but if you ask me i'll wanna share with you!
he told me that many people care about me
many people are concerned about me
many people love me
and above all, He loves me.

i really wanna break away from those messages my family sends to me
messages that put fear in me
messages that cause me to be so conscious of the way i love, so afraid that what i do will be understood the wrong way by my friends like how my parents do.

part of me says forgive her.
and it sound ultra ridiculous to me..
who am i to give forgiveness?
then how should i break away from those bitterness and those false assumptions she makes about me?
so i can love her with boldness
and without fear.

perfect love casts out all fears

i guess its time to surrender to the perfect love giver.

and understanding His love for me, i'll give myself much more into any relationships around me.
i'll love people without fearing the way i show love wont be accepted.
cause afterall, i'm being accepted the way i am.
i'm being loved the way i am.

i really hope that this isnt stumbling..
just sharing my thoughts and turning points in my life.
and if there are other perspectives towards my family, please please share with me.
am so afraid to let bitterness consume me.

yup so here's the learning from the trip and the message that God showed me through so many people and incidents.
i dont know what else to say,
i just know im loved and i'm called to love.

Soared at 12/10/2006 12:21:00 AM